


Unworthy of this Love

by xxserenity



Series: HQ Royalty au [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Hurt, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Post-Civil War, Sacrificial Love, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Suna Rintarou-centric, Trauma, a soulmate type of love, miya osamu is too pure for this world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28767051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxserenity/pseuds/xxserenity
Summary: Suna was saved by his prince time and time again. So when he couldn't return the favor, he denied his affections.Or the story of how Osamu loved his knight fiercely even when Suna couldn't love himself.spin-off of Take My Crown, which I suggest reading first.
Relationships: Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou
Series: HQ Royalty au [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2103537
Comments: 36
Kudos: 76
Collections: SunaOsa





	1. Past

**Author's Note:**

> It's ironic how my comfort ship is the one I make full of angst and hurt. Sorry everyone for the rollercoaster that is this short fic. Hope you enjoy some self indulgent Suna POV.
> 
> I decided to write this in three parts: past, future, present. This is backstory, next update is a continuation of some of their scenes in Take My Crown, and of course the last is their ending. Hope it'll make sense and flow together.

Suna was walking behind the buildings, hiding in its shadow after failing to steal food from the market. He clutched his stomach in pain,  _ hungry.  _ He needed to find somewhere to eat and hide now, since the sellers were able to recognize him. He was stumbling down a dirt alley, not really paying attention to anything in front of him, just trying to search for whatever scraps he could find, until someone shouted at him. He whipped his head up at the voice, and squinted at the boy a couple feet away. “Hey!! What’re ya doin?”

Suna knew how to understand what people were saying. He hid out in the alleys and behind the stalls to get the gist of it, but when it came to talking, he could only pronounce a few of them. He knew what to say, but his mouth couldn’t work the way he wanted it to. He turned away from the boy and bent to inspect a moldy piece of bread on the ground. “F-Food..”

“Ah, yer hungry! Come with me! We can go eat together.” The boy walked a couple steps closer, and Suna was able to get a better look at him without the sun blinding him. The boy was just a couple inches shorter than him, but looked about to be the same age. He had short, dark brown hair with dark gray eyes. Suna didn’t recognize him as anyone from the streets, and guessed his new, clean clothes were the reason. 

He glanced at the boy suspiciously. He’d observed plenty of times when someone was nice and friendly to those in the streets and watched as they were tricked into being used for all kinds of horrible things. “Why?”

The boy groaned, “Ahh come on! I ain’t gonna do anythin to ya, just wanted someone to play with. Tsumu’s- well- I’m alone right now and need someone. I promise I’ll get ya somethin nice to eat, okay?”

Still suspicious, he gave the boy a sideways glance and turned back to the moldy, dusty bread in front of him. “It’ll be much better than that, trust me.” He slowly blinked up at the boy.  _ What does he want? _

“Why?” was all he could say. 

The boy let out a long sigh and crouched next to him. “Because Tsumu!! He’s so annoyin, and loud, and thinks he’s better than me! He’s not okay? Ya gotta believe me. But then his mornin, he left with my daddy. That scrub thinks he’s so cool, but lemme tell ya what he’s really like...” as he continued to rant, Suna wasn’t sure if he was annoyed by the boy’s talking or the person he was talking about. They both seemed like people he wouldn’t get along with. “Anyways, that’s why I need a new friend. Ya don’t understand, I  _ need _ ya, so if yer nice and come with me, I’ll be nice and get ya something good to eat. I know all the good places. So ya wanna come?”

Suna could’ve brushed the boy off. He could’ve ignored him and continued scraping for food. He could have done anything but say yes to the boy, but for some reason, he couldn’t find any reason to say no. Suna nodded and rose to a stand. “Y-Yes.”

The boy beamed at him and raised his fists in excitement. “Yay!! This is perfect! Let’s go- uhh wait, what’s yer name?”

Thankfully, this was one of the things he could say. After receiving the name but ending up alone, he had to repeat it to himself to make sure it was never forgotten. “Rin- Rintarou.” The boy’s eyes widened. “Rintarou Suna.”

“Rin!! I like it!” Suna opened his mouth to correct him, but the boy kept going. “I’m Miya Osamu, but ya can just call me Samu. Here, I’ll lead the way” He held out his hand to Suna, and he reached out to grab it, but when he saw Osamu’s clean hands he hesitated. When he first was living alone on the streets and because he didn’t know any better, he would reach out to people walking for help. They would immediately flinch or slap his hand away hissing  _ filthy, unclean _ , or  _ trash _ . 

He didn’t want the same reaction so he pulled his hand back. Osamu tilted his head in confusion. “What’s wrong? Let me hold yer hand.” Suna looked at Osamu’s hand and then back at his own, and Osamu began to nod. “Ah I get it! Ya don’t have to worry, I don’t care if ya got dirt on ya or not. I get messy all the time.” Suna looked unconvinced so Osamu dropped to his knees and began rubbing the dirt all over his hands. “See? Now I got dirt on me too.” Suna stepped closer to stop him, but then Osamu started rolling around it as he laughed. “Hahaha see? Now I’m really dirty!! Haha ma’s gonna be so mad, haha..” 

Suna stood over Osamu with a bewildered expression.  _ What- what’s with him??  _ Osamu continued to laugh as he finished getting himself completely dirty, just like Suna. “There, now we can hold hands, right?” Again, Suna could have said no, but couldn’t think of a reason to.

  
  
  
  


“Osamu, darling, who’s this?” 

Suna was standing in front of a beautiful woman with long blonde hair and a crown on top of her head. Osamu led him straight to a room filled with desks, shelves of books, and papers strewn about, and the woman had been reading until Osamu brought him in. “This is my friend, so can we get somethin to eat? Rin’s hungry.” He pulled on the hand that was holding Suna’s and Suna ducked his head as he was brought closer. 

The woman scrutinized him and then gave a long sigh. “Osamu, what’s going on? Where did you find this boy and why?”

“I need a new friend so I found one!” Osamu stated as he pulled Suna closer to him. “He’s stayin with me!”

“Honey,” the woman sighed, “you can’t just grab someone and take them home with you. That’s not how things work.”

“But that’s how daddy got a puppy! He found him on the street and took him home!” Osamu argued with a frown.

The woman let out a chuckle and ruffled his hair. “That’s because it was a dog, is he,” she said with a look at Suna, “a dog?” Osamu was silent as she smirked at him and then turned to Suna. “Are you, what’s his name?”

“Rin.”

The woman nodded. “Are you, Ri-”

“But ya can call him Suna, Suna Rintarou.” Osamu interrupted as he wrapped an arm around Suna, pulling him as close as possible. “Rin’s mine.”

The woman laughed as she squeezed his cheeks. “Ohhh you boys are so adorable!!” She began squeezing Suna’s cheeks, and since no one had ever done that before, he stayed frozen until Osamu pushed her hands away. 

“Oi! What’d I say ma? He’s mine!” He pushed Suna behind him, and Suna had to peek out from behind his head to stare up at her.  _ Ma?  _

The woman laughed as she patted her son’s head. “Alright, alright, I won’t do it again. But son, we can’t keep him here. What about his family or relatives? Just because you found him alone doesn’t mean he is.”

Osamu turned around to ask Suna, “Do ya have family?” Suna shook his head no. “Relatives?” He shook his head again. “Are ya alone?” Suna nodded, and Osamu turned around to give his mother a proud smile. “See? He’s alone and so I get to keep him! Let’s go Rin, I’ll bring ya to my room!” 

“Whoa, wait a moment!” His mother shouted as he prevented them from leaving. “First, just because he says he doesn’t, that doesn’t mean it’s true. I’ll let him stay, but only until the authorities have found out where he truly belongs.” Osamu began to whine, but she held up her hand to silence him. “And second, does he know how to talk? I haven’t heard his voice once.”

Osamu rolled his eyes and turned to Suna with an encouraging smile. “Ya know how to talk right?”

_ No.  _ But because he was too afraid of the woman staring at him he stumbled out, “Y-Yes.” 

The woman remained unconvinced and offered for him to have a tutor, but Osamu immediately rejected the idea. “No! He’s my friend and I ain’t lettin anyone take him away! If he needs help, then I’ll teach him. I’ll show ya!”

His mother smiled fondly down at him as she thumbed his cheek. “Of course, darling. You’re lucky you brought him when it’s only me around. I assure you, your father wouldn’t be so accepting, which means until he gets back let’s make Ri-  _ Suna _ ,” she corrected when Osamu scowled, “as presentable as possible so we can convince him, does that sound alright?”

Osamu jumped into his mother’s arms and squeezed her tight. “Yes!! Thank ya, ma!!

“Of course.” She replied as she rubbed his back and then pulled him back to poke his nose. “Even if this is only because your brother isn’t around, it’s alright to be lonely Osamu.”

“I’m lonely!! And I’m glad he isn’t around! I hate that scrub.” Osamu grumbled as he grabbed Suna’s hand again and moved to leave. “I don’t want him, I want Rin, so we’re leavin!” 

Suna blinked at Osamu as they ran down the halls, and when he stopped at a door and let Suna look at his room inside, only that word was on his mind. “W- Wa...Want?” Osamu turned to him with a confused expression. “Want me?” 

Osamu beamed at Suna as he grabbed his hand again. “Yeah, I want ya Rin!” An immediate warmth spread inside of Suna, and he mimicked what Osamu did to his mother, and jumped at him with a hug, knocking them both to the ground.  _ Want.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


For several weeks, Osamu had shown him around the palace, introduced him to some of the staff, and tried his best to explain that he was a prince and his parents were the king and queen. Suna had only ever heard stories of them, he never truly believed they were real. Therefore, he made himself presentable as he was told. He took baths regularly, let the maids cut his hair, and travelled with the queen to buy new clothes. All the while, Osamu was doing his best to teach him how to talk. They stay up all hours of the night as they lay in bed trying to pronounce every word Osamu knew. 

Suna was beginning to feel confident about being able to stay because no one had been able to find any existing family or caretakers. However, his newfound home and sense of peace only lasted until the infamous brother of Osamu arrived.

They all gathered at the front entrance to welcome them back, but because the king was so exhausted, he could only kiss his wife on the cheek and back Osamu’s head before heading inside to rest. Then along came Atsumu.

Suna had to rub his eyes several times because he couldn't believe that there was another person that looked just like Osamu. For some reason, that made him really angry, and he knew from the beginning, they were not going to get along. The boy jumped out of the carriage to hug his mother and then turned to Osamu with a scowl as he crossed his arms. “Who ya got there, Samu?”

Osamu purposely pulled Suna to his side and held him. “He’s my friend, not yers. Yer never gonna talk to him, ya hear?!” 

“Huh?!? Why can’t I be friends with him?” Atsumu shouted as he stepped closer to get in Osamu’s face. 

“Cause yer stupid.”

“No yer stupid!!” 

They continued to scream and kick at each other until the queen pulled them apart as she scolded them. She straightened Atsumu’s clothes and brought him to introduce him to Suna. “Suna, dear, this is my other son, Osamu’s twin.”

“Oh, shit face.” Suna nodded as he reached out to shake the boy’s hand. 

The queen’s jaw dropped as Atsumu lunged for him. “Excuse me?!?!” 

Osamu began giggling to himself, and the queen narrowed her eyes at him. “Suna, what is Osamu’s brother’s name?”

“Shit face, that’s what Samu told me.” He held out his hand again. “It’s nice to meet ya.”

“Ma!!!” Atsumu shouted as he tried to push out of his way to attack Suna. “He’s usin words ya said I couldn’t say!!” 

“Osamu!! Look what you did! I knew something like this would happen! You..” as she continued to scold him, he continued to giggle, and Atsumu thrashed in his mother’s grasp, Suna felt like he could get used to being around a family like this. That maybe one day he could be a part of it, too.

From then on, Suna was forced to see a separate tutor from everyone else, and Osamu was banned from teaching Suna anymore. 

Over the course of the next several years, Osamu and Suna became so close that they were almost never apart. King Miya allowed Suna to live with them on the condition that he was going to be trained as a knight, and he agreed as long as that meant he could be with Osamu. Therefore, as they began training and were tutored more, he put all of his work into making the king proud because he wanted nothing more to remain at Osamu’s side. He trained all hours of the day, and studied all hours of the night, his only motivation was the want to spend another minute with his prince. 

Finally, the time came to announce who the appointed knight of Osamu was, and when Suna was chosen, Osamu had given him a smile so affectionate that Suna felt something other than victory rise up inside of him. 

The knights he trained with and the staff that had raised him all rushed to congratulate him, but before they could lay a single finger on him, Osamu grabbed his hand and pulled him out the door after him. Suna didn’t feel the need to ask why or where they were going, just being with him was enough. That’s why he worked so hard in the first place. 

Osamu pulled him inside the room they both shared since Suna arrived and closed the door behind him with a soft smile at Suna. Wordlessly, he led him to the bed and as they sat down, Osamu leaned so close that their lips were only a breath away. “I knew you could do it, Rin. I never doubted you, never.”

Suna’s heart was pounding so hard, he was sure Osamu could hear it as he kept silent. He involuntarily blushed as Osamu grinned at his nervousness. “I- I did it all for you, Samu.”

“I know and that’s what makes me so happy.” He tilted his head up just a bit closer so that their noses were touching and as he spoke, their lips brushed. “Now you really are mine now, right Rin?” 

Not a single objection came to mind, he had always been Osamu’s from the moment they met. So when Osamu moved closer to press his lips against Suna’s, Suna titled his head lower to meet him. As always, Suna did not have a single reason to say no. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


For months that followed afterwards, Suna was sure that he was in heaven. He was able to spend his days by Osamu’s side and his nights wrapped up in his arms. They did anything and everything together, and half of the time they didn’t need to say a word, they both knew each other so well so that words weren’t always needed. Those quiet times were all Suna could have ever wanted, but of course, nothing could have stayed perfect forever. 

He was made aware of that on the day he saw Osamu in a suit of armor standing by the front entrance with a grave face. King Miya had assembled all available soldiers and knights for the upcoming battles after suffering heavy losses. Suna never saw it coming, that out of everyone he chose, it would be Osamu. “We are about to depart, if there are any last goodbyes, please do so now.” He slowly strode up to a frozen Atsumu with a whisper that Suna could barely hear, “And if you ever think about coming to join us or ‘rescue’ your brother, then I’ll have him moved to the front lines of the most brutal battle. Understand?” As he flung out his cloak to turn his back on Atsumu, Suna wanted nothing more than to pull out the sword sheathed at his side and stab it right through the king’s back. Duty, honor, loyalty had all vanished, and all he was left with was the need for Osamu. 

“Samu..” he whispered as he began running towards him, but Osamu held his hand up to stop him. 

He glanced at Suna with a pained expression before turning away again. “Rin, please, just wait for me. I’ll be alright, you’ll see.”

“Alright…” Suna whispered as he gazed at his prince with wide eyes, “is this some sort of joke, cause I don’t understand. Samu, you can't leave. You have to stay.” 

King Miya sighed loudly as he turned back around with an impatient look. “I apologize Suna, but we must be on our way. As a prince, it is his duty to serve his country and-”

“Like I give a fu-” Suna began as he raised his voice, but Osamu cut him off.

“ _ Rin _ !!” Osamu shouted, and Suna noticed that it was the first time Osamu had ever talked to him like that. Like he was giving orders, not talking to an equal. “Stop this. I’m leaving and you’re staying. I’ll be back soon enough, goodbye.”

Too many emotions were running rampant through Suna. He could only gasp out, “How can you say that?”

Osamu’s face crumpled and he turned away to follow his father. “I had no other choice.” Before Suna could ask him more or reach out to touch him one last time, the doors were swung shut and Osamu was gone. 

_ What….what just happened?  _ He glanced down at his hands, hands that weren’t holding Osamu’s, and watched as drops of tears began to fall on them. He gazed around the room to find Atsumu, the only other one around, and he too was sobbing on the floor with a furious expression.  _ Samu can’t be gone. He just can’t be. The king- he- why??  _ “Atsumu..” he whispered, but Atsumu couldn't hear him as he wailed Osamu’s name and punched at the ground beneath him.

He couldn’t stand to watch anymore, and raced to the room,  _ their _ room. When he opened the door and was engulfed in Osamu’s familiar scent, something broke inside of him, something that would never be fixed. 

He didn’t even register what he was doing, just heard loud crashing noises behind him and watched as pieces of wood went flying. Didn’t know if the sound of glass breaking was the window or the mirror, and didn’t know if the wetness on his hands were from his unrelenting tears or blood. He tore through the room, through every piece of furniture until nothing was left whole. 

When his rage faded and was left with nothing but emptiness, he sank into a corner in the dark with his head in his hands and sobbed. He didn’t know how long he stayed there for, and didn't even notice that the sun had long since disappeared, just sunk into the darkness as tears stained his clothes.  _ Samu...come back. _

He wasn’t sure who he was angry at, himself, the king, or Osamu. But the one thing he did know was that he couldn’t stand another second without him. He needed to be with him again, and planned to rise and go after him, but the threat the king whispered in Atsumu’s ear, flashed through his mind.  _ I can’t...I can’t do anything for him. He’ll-  _

He tried to convince himself, but then a small voice inside of him spoke up,  _ He said to Atsumu, he never said anything to you, did he? _ Suna straightened in his seat.  _ He didn’t say a thing about you not being allowed to come or rescue him. So go.  _ He jumped up and began to sprint to the doors. Ths guards immediately stopped him and pushed him back inside, but he didn't stop. He sprinted to every exit and fought his hardest to escape and was about to until the captain of the guard knocked him down front he back. “Suna, you know better than this. We were ordered by our king to stay and that’s what we’ll do. Understand?”

“Screw orders, Kita, I’m gettin him back.” Suna hissed as he spat on Kita’s shoes.

Kita sighed before hauling up Suna to throw him back into his room. “Good luck with that. Until then, behave alright?” 

“No.” He replied as Kita shut the door on him. He was going to see him again, and he wasn’t going to wait around anymore. 

  
  
  
  


After spending a good time of his childhood sneaking around to steal food and money off the streets, Suna knew he garnered plenty of stealth, even if it was a little rusty. However, it was the exit he needed to find. From then on, Suna never spent a moment's rest. He scoured through the palace for an exit. The days and nights all blurred into the one as he hid in the darkness to find a way to Osamu. 

Finally, after accidentally stumbling upon it, he found one. One that wasn’t being guarded or out in the open. He immediately sought out Atsumu. “Hey, I found a way out. I’m goin tonight, you with me or not?” he whispered as he snuck up behind Atsumu, who jumped at the sound. 

Atsumu, who hadn’t come out of his room for weeks and had dark circles under his eyes, shrugged. “Nah I can’t. I can’t get what he said outta my head.”

“Then will you report me?” Suna asked, curiously.

Atsumu shook his head. “No. Or at least, not right away. I’ll give ya time, that’s the least I can do for him.” Suna had the suspicion that Atsumu knew what happened between them so he wasn’t shocked that he guessed it. “Just know it isn’t going to be someone nice comin after ya.” And with that, Suna waited until everyone was asleep before sneaking off into the night. 

  
  
  
  


It had been several hours until Suna was caught, and it was of course none other than Captain Kita. “Suna, what did I say?”

“I should’ve known he was talking about you.” Suna sneered as he tried to shake Kita’s grip off. 

“You never learn, do you?” Kita reprimanded with a disappointed look. 

“You wouldn’t understand. I have to see him, Kita. I just have to.” Suna blurted out, but felt no regret. There were so many things he wanted to get off his chest. Kita was quiet for a moment before pulling Suna long with him on his horse. “Umm, Captain? What’re you-”

“You said just a look right?” Kita interrupted as he nudged his steed forward. “Then that’s what I’ll let you get.”

He should feel grateful or happy at least, but the way his captain said it made him feel like it would be the opposite. And so when he arrived, he was right. Osamu was sitting around a campfire with soldiers swarmed around him. They were laughing and drinking together like companions, like close friends. There were only a couple scrapes he could on Osamu, otherwise, he looked to be just fine. But that wasn’t what made his chest tighten, it was seeing Osamu with those men, looking so- so  _ happy _ . 

Suna hadn’t really known what jealousy was until that moment, and when it hit, it pierced right through him.  _ He should be happy. He should be enjoying his time with them, I mean they fought with him right? They were able to stay by his side, right? They were able to protect him, like- like…..like I should’ve been doing. _

_ He should be with them. They’re the ones saving him. _

_ ….why would he ever want to be with me? I haven’t been able to do shit for him.  _

_ I let him get taken away. I let him go off to war without me there protecting him. I let him be put in danger.  _

_ Why am I even his knight?? I’m unworthy of the position. I- _

“Suna, are you done?” Kita asked as he moved to bring Suna back, but he was already walking to him.. 

He nodded as he mounted the horse. “Yeah, I’m done.” 

_ I don’t deserve him.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Suna knew plenty ahead of time when Osamu would be coming back. He didn’t learn all the secrets about every knight and learn to blackmail them from it for nothing. But still, when Osamu came bursting through that door wrapped in bandages and his arm in a sling, the image cut him up inside. However, he learned how to keep his face as bored as ever and hide the rage and longing he was feeling inside. 

Therefore, when Osamu held out his hand to him for him to join his embrace with Atsumu, he barely gave it a glance before pushing off the pillar he was leaning on and walked away. He didn’t spend these past months trying to get rid of his feelings for nothing. Osamu deserved someone better, and until he realized that, he would be as cold as rude as possible. He wanted Osamu to hate him, no,  _ needed _ it because he was the one that let him go. It was unforgivable. 

“Rin, wait!” Osamu shouted behind him, and Suna froze in his tracks. 

He slowly turned around to see Osamu jogging to catch up to him. “Yes, Your Highness?” Suna asked with a low bow.

Osamu stopped in his tracks with a bewildered expression. “Rin, ya never call me that, what’s going on?” Suna remained silent, still in his bow. Osamu in turn reached to pull him up, but Suna flinched away. “Rin-”

Suna interrupted as he rose to walk away, “If there is nothing you require of me, then I shall be going, Your Highness.” 

Osamu followed close behind him. “Going where? What is so important that you can’t even talk to me, much less look at me. Rin, stop-” Suna again dodged his touch. “Rin, I can’t understand if ya don’t talk. Please just tell me what’s wrong.”

“There’s nothing wrong, but I really do have to go. Goodbye, Your Highness.” Suna bowed again before turning back on him and walking away only to hear Osamu speak up one last time. 

“What about tonight? Will you come to our room?”

“I’m sorry, but my shifts are at night, and I have my own chambers.” And with his heartbreaking ever so slowly, he stepped away from the prince he loved so dearly and didn’t turn around again. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


He expected that to be it, and for a while it was. He was able to avoid Osamu at all costs, and Osamu eventually got the hint and stopped pursuing him. He thought he could finally catch a break and figure out what to do next. However, one night when he was stationed at one of the back doors to the palace, Osamu came walking up to him. He debated running or snapping at him to leave, but all Osamu did was sit down against the wall on the other side of the doorway without saying a word. The silence was tense and awkward, but it continued, and Suna didn’t feel worthy enough to fill it like he used to. He expected something to happen when his shift was over, but Osamu left without a word. 

It continued for weeks. Suna would be stationed at post every night and Osamu would join him in silence. Suna could have pushed him away or said something to reject, but he just couldn’t. He missed Osamu’s presence that when he was with him for just a moment, he needed more. He just couldn’t get enough, even if they never said a word. 

He finally broke the silence one night when he knew that Osamu was expected to rise early to travel with the king for preparations for the trials.”Your Highness, you’re expected to be ready early in the morning to join His Majesty, please leave to rest.”

“I can’t.” Osamu answered, stubbornly.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to sleep without you.” Osamu stated as he stared back at Suna with such longing, that it physically hurt his heart.

He quickly turned away and blinked away unshed tears. “You don’t have to tell me what it is right away. I can wait until you're ready, Rin, but I want to know. I can’t stand this anymore. Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to see you?”

_ Probably just as long as I’ve been waiting for you to come home to me.  _ “Your Highness, now is not the time for this. You need to get some rest, please?”

Osamu stood up and walked over to Suna slowly. “I know you still care about me, Rin. You’re pushing me to get some rest because you’re worried about me, I know you. So fine, I’ll go, but when I get back, can we sit down and have a meal together? You don't have to say anything, and I won’t expect anything from you, but still, please? Can we at least meet up once a day?”

He didn't know why he was so weak to Osamu. The best thing to do would say no and yet, he nodded to Osamu silently, who gave a smile much brighter than he deserved. 

  
  
  
  
  


For a while, they were able to slowly fall back into a normal routine. They would eat together, sometimes go to the capital together, and join in on messing with Atsumu. It was easy, it was comfortable, and Osamu hadn’t tried to touch him or push him on the subject. Suna had hoped they could be able to maintain this state, and they almost did until right before they were supposed to leave for the trials. 

“Atsumu, Osamu, I’m sorry, but I’m going to need Osamu’s help on a project. I thought we had finished, but there were some mistakes, and since Osamu, you said you wanted to be partners on this, I need you to stay behind with me and fix it.” Suna was slightly suspicious, but knew from before how Osamu had been taking on more responsibilities and duties as prince. 

Only Atsumu was the one that was truly upset. He shouted and fought with the king, while Osamu watched with a confused expression. Suna thought it didn’t really matter. So what if Osamu was late? They could just go on ahead, unless Osamu-

“Rin, you’re staying with me, right?”  _ Shit!! Holy shit I should've seen this coming! _

“Hell no!!” Atsumu protested as he slung an arm around Suna’s shoulders, and Suna watched Osamu’s jaw tense. “He’s comin with me. Ya really wanna leave me alone with all those people. I’m not gonna like any of ‘em. I need at least someone I don’t hate there.”

“Ah, how flattering Atsumu.” Suna replied, sarcastically. For once, he was grateful that Atsumu was stepping in. He’d never tell him that of course. 

“But he’s  _ my _ knight, Tsumu. He stays with me.” Osamu announced with an edge in his voice. 

King Miya sighed and patted Osamu on the shoulder. “We can’t let Atsumu go alone to Karasuno, and Suna has been appointed as knight to both of you. They’ll be fine, son. I need to get inside and start working on it so we can get it done faster. Farewell Atsumu and Suna.” He gave Atsumu a hug and waved at Suna before disappearing inside. 

Atsumu stood there for a moment looking back and forth between them before slowly stepping away. “I’ll uh- I’ll meet ya at the carriage.” 

They waited until he was completely out of earshot before speaking. “Rin, aren’t you going to stay with me?”

“You heard what His Majesty said, I can’t.” Suna replied, hoping it would help, but Osamu grew even angrier. 

“Screw what he says, you really don’t want to stay with me?! You’re going to pick  _ him _ ?!?”  _ It’s not like that at all!! I’d pick you over him every single time.  _ “Have you guys really gotten that close??” N _ o! You’re the only one I’m close with. You’re the only one for me. I lo- _

_ You don’t deserve him.  _

  
The thought that always clanged through his mind at his weakest moments popped up, and the fight inside him died.  _ I don’t deserve him.  _ “I’m sorry, Your Highness, but I have to go.” He shouldn’t have, but he turned around to glance at him. Osamu’s face was full of utter betrayal, and the image was burned in his mind even when he boarded the carriage and set off. Even when Atsumu told him it would be alright. It wouldn’t. He wouldn’t, and that face was proof of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk I just had this headcanon that Suna couldn't speak until Osamu taught him, and then his dialect was so bad and had a foul mouth that he was never allowed to be taught by Samu again xD
> 
> I was inspired by my favorite novelist MXTX when it comes to Suna because I wanted to show that his life didn't start until Osamu. I'm sure you're wondering about family and what happened and why's he alone? But I want to emphasize the point that it doesn't matter, nothing mattered until Osamu found him.


	2. Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said before, this is a continuation of their scenes from TMC so if you haven't read it, I tried my best to make it flow

When everyone was too busy with the banking week, Suna received a letter from Osamu. The minute he left he felt instant regret and a longing so strong, it took everything in him not to jump out of the carriage and sprint straight for his prince. But he didn’t. He managed to hold on, but that didn’t change the fact that he missed Osamu so much, he could barely function. Of course no one around could notice, Suna had trained to keep the solid bored look on his face even when he was in intense pain. 

He had barely eaten, even though mounds of food were given. He never slept a wink, instead preferring to explore the palace when no one was around. Besides even if he did sleep, all he would dream about would be Osamu. 

So when he received a letter from his prince, he was terrified. He should've sent word the minute they arrived, but he didn’t know what to say. Osamu’s betrayed expression would flash through his mind, and he didn’t have the strength to write anything. Therefore, he didn’t write at all. He knew he was being unfair, but the sooner Osamu gave up on him and finally let himself hate Suna, the sooner he could move on to someone deserving of him. 

He slowly opened the envelope as he closed the door to his room, making sure no one would interrupt. His fingers shook as he unfolded the letter and read it. 

_Dear Rin,_

_I have missed you every second we’ve been apart. I purposely have worked night and day to finish this project so I could come see you soon, which is why I’m writing to you. I will arrive just before the first trial will begin. I hope this will give you enough time to explain why you ran away from me, because although you think that’ll stop me, I’ll never stop wanting you. So please when I get there, don’t run away, just talk to me. I’ll always understand you, you know that._

_I’ll be counting the hours until I can see you again._

_Yours Now and Forever,_

_Samu_

He read the letter over and over again, memorizing every word until he couldn’t read anymore from the tears blurring his vision. He didn’t even have time to collect his thoughts before Atsumu barged into his room. He hated how Atsumu could tell right away that the letter he had was from Osamu and knew exactly what it said. Instead of answering his questions, he did the usual and didn’t answer them, instead moving the conversation to tease him about Shouyou. 

After he finally crashed on the couch, Suna was left alone to his thoughts again. He thought about kicking Atsumu out, but something about him being there comforted him, making him feel not so alone. He read over the note again, and had so many things he wanted to write back. That he missed Osamu just as much. That he’d been counting the seconds since they were about. Although it was selfish of him, he didn’t want Osamu to stop wanting him. But when he raised the pen to write a reply, Osamu’s hurt expression flashed through his mind and he set it back down. He couldn’t reply. He didn’t have the right to. 

  
  
  
  
  


Therefore, he tried to shove the longing deep inside him. He fought his panic as the days began to fly by, nearing closer to Osamu’s arrival. When the trumpets sounded his arrival, he couldn’t push down the panic anymore. His hands were trembling and his heart was pounding so hard against his chest. Everyone was sprinting to the front to greet him, but he hid in the back of the group until he could calm himself down. But when Osamu finally caught sight of him, he knew that wouldn’t be able to happen. 

“Rin..” Osamu breathed as his face lit up. He began to walk over to Suna, and just the sound of his voice and the use of his nickname made him blush feverishly. He slowly walked over to meet him, his steps shaky. “I’m glad to see you’re doing well. Did you miss me?”

 _You know I did, why even ask?_ He lowered to one knee in a bow, hoping the hair in his face could cover the blush. “Of course Your Highness.” 

Without looking, he could tell Osamu was bothered by the title. “Rin, you know you don’t have to-”

“Alright!” Atsumu interrupted and began to lead him away as he rambled on about nothing important. For once, he was glad Atsumu was there, and able to read him. He didn’t want to be separated from Osamu, and so even though he should sprint back to his room to catch his breath, he decided to follow them. 

After watching them tour the castle with Shouyou, he planned to leave to take a long walk to gather his thoughts together until Osamu spoke up. “Thank you Shouyou, but I'm going to have to say no. I'm starting to feel exhausted and there's still something I have to do before I go to sleep. If you'll excuse me.” _Shit!!_ He knew exactly what Osamu wanted to do, so he sprinted towards his room, but Osamu called out to him when they were in a hallway alone. “Rin. I know you’re there so come out already.”

Knowing there was no way to fight it, he stepped out from the shadows and faced Osamu. Even from the several feet apart, he could see the small shadows under his eyes, proof of him working too much. Otherwise, he was dressed so handsomely in his uniform, and even gave Suna a soft smile as he stepped towards him. “Rin..” 

“Samu..” _Shit!! I let it slip!!_ He quickly changed his expression to boredom, but Osamu saw through it as he stopped right in front of him. 

Their faces were just an inch away as he tilted his head up, that smile still on his face. “Why didn’t you write back to me?”

“I wanted to but-” Suna shut his mouth before he blurted anything else out. He didn’t know what it was about Osamu, but he was powerless against him. 

“But what Rin? Why can’t you talk to me?” He reached out, hesitantly, to touch Suna’s face. 

Again, powerless to refuse him, he just barely leaned his cheek into Osamu’s outstretched hand and closed his eyes. “Samu..” he breathed, just wanting to say his name. 

Osamu’s breath hitched and Suna waited for a long moment before he spoke up again. “I was so furious at you. I still am. You chose to go with him instead of me. You chose _him._ ” Suna’s eyes flew open in a panic. “I’d been penting up all of my anger to lash out at you when I got here, but just seeing you again with that adorable blush on your face, blew it all away. But then seeing Atsumu read you like a book and pull me away, makes me so jealous I can barely breathe. I hate that you both got so close when I was gone. I hate that he’s protecting you when that’s all I've wanted to do when we met. You’re mine, for goodness sake Rin!! So why? Why’d you choose _him_ over _me_???”

Suna instantly pulled Osamu into his arms and squeezed him tight. He just couldn’t stand that broken, hurt look on his face any longer. _You’ll always come first to me, and I’ll always choose you. Actually, there isn’t even a need for a choice, it’s always been you, Samu._ He wordlessly led Osamu back to his room to the couch. He laid down on his back and placed Osamu on top of him, and Osamu buried his face in Suna’s neck with a hand resting on his shoulder and on the other on Suna’s waist.

In turn, Suna draped one arm on Osamu’s waist, and the other held the back of Osamu’s head. Osamu squeezed him tight, and reflexively, Suna turned to press a kiss to Osamu’s forehead-

_You don’t deserve him._

He froze for a moment before turning away to look out the window. _That’s right, I can’t let myself get carried away. I don’t deserve him._ “You ever gonna explain, Rin? Or am I always gonna be left in the dark?”

“Now’s not the time for this, just sleep Samu. You need to rest.” He insisted as he brushed stray hairs out of Osamu’s face, and Osamu only let out a long sigh before murmuring good night. 

  
  
  


Although he was grateful for the first trial beginning, he couldn’t help but worry for Osamu as he went through the maze. So when Osamu finally stumbled out of the exit, he forgot all about the other kings and queens watching them and sprinted to him. “Your Highness,” Suna started as he bent down to lift Osamu up, “are you alright? Are you hurt anywhere? Is anything broken?” As they stood, he checked over Osamu’s arms and legs, and then impulsively brushed his hand across his cheek, worried.

Osamu smiled so softly his eyes crinkled. “No, Rin, I’m quite alright.” He placed his hand on top of the one Suna placed on his cheek, causing the tips of Suna’s ears to burn. “I’ve been through worse.” 

Suna hastily removed his hand and bowed his head. “I’m sorry for underestimating you and overstepping like that, Your Highness. It won’t happen again.”

Osamu’s expression fell. “Can’t you just say that you were worried about me?” He sighed as Suna refused to look back up at him, and Suna hoped he would let it go, but then felt Osamu move to whisper in his ear, “Rin. You know I won’t object to your touch.”

Suna flinched back feeling his face begin to burn as well. He turned around, trying to hide it. “Well since you’re fine. Let’s go back.” He began to follow the others as they walked to the wagons, not waiting for Osamu but he followed Suna anyways.

“Rin, wait..” Osamu brushed his fingers against Suna’s as he reached out for his hand, and Suna should have flinched away again, but twined his fingers with his prince. _Just this once. I’ll touch him just this once._

However, that wasn’t the case because when they sat down, he pulled Osamu’s head to lie on his shoulder, and left his hand there. Then later that night when they had the party, he broke the vow again. As soon as the drinks were being poured, Osamu downed each of them and begged the women for more. Suna never drank a sip of it, just stared down at his cup. One night when Suna was too weak to handle the pain of being separated from Osamu and was in a vulnerable state, he tried drinking his pain away. He snatched some of the best alcohol the other knights mentioned, and all throughout the night, he drank every single bottle. That next morning was absolute hell, and he has never been tempted to drink again. 

“Rin-rin!!” Osamu whined next to him, breaking him out of his reverie. He kept pulling on Suna’s sleeve to get his attention, but Suna only ignored him. “Look at me Rin!” He closed his eyes. “Touch me Rin!!” He moved a couple inches away. “Love me Rin!!” He choked on his spit as he gawked at Osamu, who was giggling at his reaction. “Ha!! I knew that would get ya!! Now come over here and love me..” He managed to grab Suna’s arms and pulled him closer. 

Suna sighed deeply as he gave up the fight and let Osamu embrace him. “There, there, Rin. Now ya can love me all ya like!” _Yeah, not going to happen._ “C’mon at least touch me!!” Osamu moved Suna’s hands so they were touching his waist and patted them. “There, that’s better.”

“Okay, that’s enough.” Suna stated as he moved out of Osamu’s hold and batted away his hands. “I’m not going to touch you, Samu, so stop it already.” He predicted Osamu would whine, but give up after a minute. What he didn’t expect was Osamu’s eyes to fill with tears.

“Y-Ya don’t want to touch me?” Osamu croaked in a whisper. “Am I that horrible?”

“What?!?” Bewildered, Suna moved closer to wipe away the tears. _What is he even saying right now? Horrible? Him?!?_ “Samu, what-”

“I have to be horrible if ya don’t even wanna touch me.” Osamu babbled as more tears began to fall. “Ya touch Tsumu and I’ve seen ya be close with Shouyou, so why aren’t ya close with me? Why don’t ya wanna be by me?? Am I really that h-horrible..” he hiccupped as he tried to pick up his cup for another drink.

Suna quickly snatched it away. “That’s enough for tonight, Samu. You don’t need any more. Actually, let's get you back to the room.” He reached out to pull Osamu up, but he swatted his hand away.

“No!” 

Suna clenched his jaw. “And why not?”

Osamu crossed his arms. “Because I don’t wanna!!” _Why have you suddenly turned back into a child?!?_

“Samu, look, I’m touching you alright?” Suna pleaded as he lightly brushed his fingers across Osamu’s cheek. “I don’t think you’re horrible at all. You could never be.”

“Then what do ya think about me?” Osamu replied immediately, making Suna wonder if he really was drunk or pretending. 

“I think that you need to get back to the palace to rest.” Suna answered as he pulled Osamu up, pretending not to hear Osamu’s complaints. 

When they were finally settled back into the palace and he helped Osamu into bed, he waited until he thought Osamu was asleep before leaving for water and medicine. But right when his hand was on the doorknob, Osamu spoke up. “I know ya love me, Rin.”

Suna froze as his heart beat wildly in his chest. “W-What??”

“And I know that you know I feel the same.” Osamu whispered, firmly. 

He could ignore him and blame it on the alcohol, but couldn’t resist asking, “So?”

“I just don’t know why ya push me away.”

He should have left it at that, but his mouth was working against him. “What if I said it was because I don’t deserve you?”

He wasn’t sure if Osamu laughed or coughed his reply. “Then I’d say ya were an idiot.”

Suna whipped his head around to finally face him, but he stopped as he noticed that Osamu’s eyes were closed shut and soon he began to snore loudly. He quietly walked over to Osamu’s side and watched him sleep, and noticed a tiny trail of drool making its way down the prince’s cheek. _Why does that have to be cute??_ As he wiped it away with a towel, Osamu’s reply replayed through his mind. _Well then, I’d say you’re the idiot for loving someone worthless like me._

Again grateful for the second trial to give them a reason to be separated, he was even more anxious about this one. He wasn’t allowed to join, and watching would be impossible so all he could do was wait with the king until it was over. He knew Osamu wouldn’t get hurt, it was his mind he was worried about. Osamu liked to pretend the war never affected him, and hid any sign of pain or trauma from it, but Suna knew him too well. Therefore, he was scared how it would affect Osamu. 

However, when Osamu returned, he realized there was no need for concern. He was laughing and nudging Kuroo as they were walking out of the woods. Suna didn’t give the poisoned Bokuto a second glance, just watched with clenched fists as Osamu conversed too close to be strangers. He reminded himself that he should be happy. That this was a great chance for Osamu to meet others, and hopefully realize how much better they were than Suna and move on. Maybe Kuroo could even introduce Osamu to someone more suited for him from his kingdom. _That’s good, right?.....Right???_

“Ah Rin!! Let me tell ya all about what we did..” Osamu began as he pulled Suna along with him to the carriage to take them back. Suna didn’t even try to focus on the story, only smiled when Osamu laughed and nodded his head when the sentence ended on a question. He didn’t want to hear about how great the two princes were and how much they made Osamu laugh. Bitterly, he noticed it was jealousy cutting him up inside, and continued to stab at him. It clouded his vision, and he immediately hid from them as he returned to the palace, hoping he could hide until the next trial began. 

However, Osamu caught him off guard the next day and cornered him to go see Shouyou in the infirmary. He reluctantly went along, and purposely teased Shouyou to no end. He didn’t have it in him to offer any words of comfort so he decided to keep the conversation away from the trial. So when Shouyou started to question Atsumu’s feelings, an idea struck. Yeah he was being an asshole. Yeah it would certainly hurt Osamu, but he couldn’t stop himself. _Maybe this will finally get him to hate me and move on._

As he leaned in close to Shouyou’s face, he was disappointed that Atsumu was the first to interrupt. He laughed it off and teased Atsumu, but froze when Osamu spoke up behind them. “Rin. What the hell was that?” Osamu demanded, emanating an ice-cold fury. 

All three of them had frozen on the spot in terror. Suna was the first one to move as he slowly turned to face Osamu. “S-Samu, calm down. I-It's not-”

“Calm down?!!?!” Osamu interjected, raising his voice. “You-” he broke off with a blink as glanced at Atsumu and Shouyou, remembering he wasn’t alone, and straightened his shirt, regaining his composure. He batted away Suna’s outstretched and moved to walk away. “Forget it. I’m leaving.”

Suna reached out to grab him again, but Osamu stepped out of his reach. “Don’t.” He ordered in a tone Suna had only heard once before. He should be happy with this. Osamu was getting close to being actually angry with him. Maybe if Suna stopped right now, he really would hate him. He just might have a chance at letting Osamu see just how shitty he really was. But he wasn’t happy at all. He felt no satisfaction at the furious look on Osamu’s face.

 _Ah screw it!!_ He placed his hands on both of Osamu’s tense shoulders, as Osamu refused to look at him. “Samu, look I’m sorry. I was just trying to make a point, and help Shouyou out. That’s all.”

Osamu glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. “Really? Cause it seemed to me like you even made Shouyou blush. Was it really necessary to do that?”

“I was only trying to make it look convincing! Not my fault how he reacts.” Osamu narrowed his eyes at him, and Suna’s fury erupted. “Why do I have to keep apologizing?!? Weren’t you getting all close with the other princes over the trial? Laughing and touching each other like you weren’t just strangers? Was it necessary for all of that?!?”

At Osamu’s jaw dropping, he cursed himself silently for letting the jealousy get the best of him. _Fuck!! Why am I so stupid?!?_ “Just- ugh forget what I said.” He muttered as he turned back to the palace to go hide in the palace for the next century, but before he was gone, he managed to hear Osamu’s reply. 

“I’ll never forget.” He whispered, in such a soft tone that Suna cursed himself again. “I’ll never forget this.”

He was hoping for the other trial to start right after, but of course, there just had to be a festival. He planned to stay in his room the whole time, but the night before Osamu barged into his room with one demand. “Coming with me to the festival is how you’ll make it up to me tomorrow, right Rin?” Too afraid to say no, he simply nodded. 

The next day, Osamu dragged him out of bed, too early for his liking. They travelled throughout the city, admiring the decorations and attractions. As they were test tasting some of the bakeries, they heard an announcement about the boat race and immediately went to join. He was grateful that Atsumu was there, hoping he’d distract Osamu long enough for him to sneak away so he joined in and purposely pushed Atsumu over and won the race. As they were eating their prizes, Atsumu shouted at them, and he noticed it was the perfect opportunity to get back at Osamu for waking him up so early. He slung his arm around Shouyou with a grin. 

However, his cockiness only lasted until Osamu cut in with that deadly voice that made everyone freeze. “Rin. You’re taking me out to eat tonight, right?” 

Suna immediately withdrew his arm and stood up. He handed over the tickets without hesitation. “O-Of course, Your Highness.” 

Osamu nodded and glanced at the basket of food. “You’ll give some of that too, right?” 

Suna quickly grabbed the basket and handed over a cracker with cheese on it. Osamu opened his mouth and kept his arms behind his back. Suna hesitated and tried to hand it to him, _please Samu, don’t make me do this!!_ But Osamu’s mouth remained open. Defeated, Suna ducked his head with a blush as he shakily fed the cracker to Osamu. He felt Osamu’s stare burn him like a brand, but continued to keep his head down until the blush disappeared. _Guess I’m not getting out of here anytime soon._

And how right he was because right after the rest joined in on the race. And then Osamu dragged him to Bokuto’s weirdly amazing koto performance. And then he was brought along with everyone for the eating contest. He didn't join because it was obvious Osamu would be the winner. If there was anything Osamu loved, it was food. Suna couldn’t count the number of times his prince had downed trays of onigiri without a sweat, making the cooks gawk at him. He knew this would be nothing to Osamu so he sat out. 

When Osamu inevitably won, he stuck to his statement and offered Suna to take them somewhere to spend the prize money. “So where do you want to go?”

Suna shrugged, not giving it any thought. “I don’t care, besides, it’s your prize so you choose.”

Osamu regarded him for a moment before his eyes lit up. “Did you pack a nice yukata for later tonight?”

Suna shook his head. “No, actually I didn’t. I can’t just wear this again?” He gestured to the plain black yukata he was wearing, but Osamu rejected it.

“Of course not. I need to buy a new one too, so let's go together.” He grabbed Suna’s hand and led them down the street.

Later that night, they returned to the palace to get dressed and ready. Suna was self-consciously staring at himself in the mirror. He didn’t know how Osamu did it, but he found the perfect yukata for Suna. At first, all they did was choose terrible outfits for the other and laugh at each other. Then right when Suna stepped out again, Osamu shoved a yukata in his arms telling him it would be the perfect one for him. He didn’t question his prince and bought it that instant. When he offered to do the same for Osamu, he declined saying he already found one and to wait to see it that night. 

Osamu had picked a shiny black yukata with long lightning bolts at the bottom. Their colors were like those of a flame, first starting as a bright yellow and then changing to an orange and read at the top. He purposely left the top open so it exposed most of his chest and abdomen. He styled his hair to the sides, making sure nothing was sticking up and thought he actually looked pretty good. However, he felt like something was missing. 

He popped his head out of the room and stopped the nearest maid to bring into his room. “Miss, sorry for the abruptness, but I feel like something’s missing.”

The woman glanced at him warily until she nodded with an ‘oh!” and then sat him down in a chair in front of the mirror. She left for a moment to grab what she needed and then returned with a small, black bottle and told him to close his eyes. He felt a cold, wet brush sweep across his eyelids, and when he was allowed to open his eyes, he widened them in surprise. Whatever she used was enough to look natural and not obnoxious. His eyes were outlined by the black liquid and made his gray yellow-green eyes even more striking than normal. He sincerely bowed to the woman. “Thank you, it’s perfect. Thank you very much for your help.”

She blushed at his compliment and bowed as well. “Oh no need to thank me, just glad you like it. Have a wonderful evening!” Flustered, she stumbled out of the room and he heard her giggling to herself down the hall. _What a nice woman._

A sudden knock at his door, made his heart jump into his throat. _Samu… I swear if he looks-_ Right when he opened the door, his suspicions were confirmed. Osamu was hot. Nothing else came to mind, just hot. He was dressed in a dark brown yukata that Suna noticed resembled the same shade of brown as his hair. And then he also noticed the designs of vines at the bottom were shaded in a gray-green almost exactly like Suna’s eyes color. _Samu don’t tell me you-_ “You like it?” Osamu asked with a knowing smirk. “It reminded me of you so I bought it.”

 _Ahh I hate you so much right now! You look amazing and you know it. And you just had to pick one that resembled me!_ He stepped closer, making Osamu’s smirk fall with surprise. His gray hair was swept off of his forehead and to the side, making him look even more handsome than usual. The top of his yukata was open just like Suna’s revealing his bare chest that shined in the lantern light, making Suna curious as to what he put on to make it look like that. Before he knew it, his hand was at the base of Osamu’s neck, brushing his thumb along his collarbone gently. Osamu’s breath hitched, and Suna watched with satisfaction as a blush began to spread over his cheeks. 

Still curious, he moved his hand down to feel Osamu’s smooth, strong chest, and confirmed he really did put something there to make it shine. He continued to brush his fingers over Osamu, making him tremble. He was much stronger and firm than when Suna last touched him. He still remembered when Osamu returned from the war looking much more built and his face much sharper. Osamu had left as a youth and returned a man. Suna didn’t even care because however Osamu changed, he would love him regardless. Even now he was still getting to know this different Osamu, but the love only grew, never shying away from his changes. “I love it, Samu, you look amazing.” 

When he stared down at Osamu’s eyes again to see the blush even brighter than usual, he blushed in return at his own compliment. He realized his hands were moving beneath Osamu’s clothes, but couldn’t stop himself from wanting more. “Actually, you always look amazing. Right now, you’re really hot.” _That’s it, I’m drowning myself in the bath tonight._

“R-R-Rin I-slfjk you-psljvjsh- aghhh!!” Osamu sputtered making both of their faces burn even more. He let his head fall on Suna's shoulder to hide his face, and Suna impulsively ran his fingers through his hair. 

“I miss your natural color.” Suna blurted out, only to curse himself for it right after.

Osamu lifted his head up with a worried expression. “But yer the one who picked the color with me, and said it looked good!”

Suna rolled his eyes and brushed a thumb along Osamu’s cheek. “It does look good, but I still prefer your natural hair. The only reason I came with you was because I didn’t want you to look ugly like Atsumu.” As soon as the war ended and King Miya wanted them to travel with him to the other kingdoms, Atsumu hated how they kept confusing them and decided to change his hair. They laughed at him, thinking it was a joke, but then the next day they woke up to find Atsumu with hair much lighter than usual and spat their drinks at him. 

Osamu immediately brought Suna along with him to the capital to pick out a color as well, and they decided on the gray. Suna had spent the next couple hours with him in the bathroom, laughing as they dyed his hair. It surprisingly came out well, and he did like it, but he missed the dark brown hair. “It’s just hair, I guess. Besides, even if you went bald, I’d probably still find you attractive.” 

Osamu’s blush returned in full fervor as he slammed his forehead against Suna’s chest. “Aaaghh s-s-stop!!”

“B-But don’t ever think about going bald, ya hear??” Suna sputtered as he tried to change the subject, making Osamu laugh. 

“Of course.” He straightened up to stare at Suna’s eyes. “Why’d ya do that to yer eyes?”

Suna, hesitated, he really didn’t know. He shouldn’t have cared so much what he looked like, but the thought of spending the night with Osamu at a festival made him think it was a date and wanted to look good enough for it. “Why? You don’t like it?”

Osamu shook his head as he reached out to run his fingers along Suna’s face. “That’s not it. I really, really love it. I mean, ya literally took my breath away. You should wear that everyday.” Suna blushed at the compliment and tried to turn away, but Osamu kept his face in his hands. “And the yukata...I knew it would be perfect for you.” 

Osamu tilted his head up closer to Suna’s and Suna had to urge to lean down to meet him. He’s already let Osamu in too much, what would be the harm? _One night, can’t I just have one? Can’t I let myself be selfish and have him for one night? Do I even deserve that much??_ He leaned down closer and stopped just before their lips touched and moved to whisper in Osamu’s ear, “It’s time to go, Your Highness.” He stepped away before Osamu could slap him because he was already shouting curses at him. 

He laughed as they made their way to the city, and when they walked along the main street, Osamu held Suna’s arm, and Suna put his hand on top, holding it in place. _Just this once. Just this night. That’s it, that’s all I’ll allow myself._ So he pushed the negative thoughts raging in his head to the side, and let himself enjoy the moment. They walked around and watched the people dancing, played some of the games, and then noted all the stands they wanted to eat from. They found the rest of the group and offered to get the food, and by the time they arrived Shouyou and Atsumu had joined them. 

They placed the food on the table for the others. Iwaizumi and Kuroo groaned as they held their stomachs. “Ughh put that away! How can you stand to eat anymore, Osamu?”

Osamu shrugged as he took a bite out of the fresh takoyaki. “Just love food, I guess.” He then proceeded to hand it to Suna, who tried to refuse it. Osamu was having none of it and kept sticking it in Suna’s face. Suna sighed, giving in as he opened his mouth to take a bite from the opposite side, but right before he did, Osamu purposely spun it around so he ended up taking a bite from where Osamu just did. He felt his face flame in heat in an instant, and he tried to shoot a withering glare at Osamu. But Osamu only grinned at him and picked up the next to feed Suna again. 

_Remember, just this night._ He reminded himself as he opened his mouth to eat what Osamu was feeding to him. However, Osamu’s fingers lingered on his lips, and his eyes were burning with hunger, but Suna knew it wasn’t the same hunger meant for food. He shot out of his seat, and started walking down the street without a word. He was definitely not ready for that. At least not right now. _Wait what?!? What am I even thinking?! T-There’s no way anything like that will happen. I’ll hold his hand and hug him, but k-k-kissing?!? No I can’t-_

“Rin wait up!!” Osamu shouted as he caught up to him and grabbed his arm again. “What the hell was that about?”

“N-Nothing.” Suna stammered as he turned his blushing face away. 

He could feel Osamu smirking at him as he stepped closer. “Oh really? Because it looks like yer-”

“Let’s find a lantern!!” Suna interrupted as he led Osamu down the street. He ignored Osamu’s teasing and laughter as they tried to find one, but couldn’t ignore the tension between them. He could almost see how much they were both holding back. Although they were so close, he could feel the need both of them had to be even closer. He tried to shove the tempting thoughts out of his head and choose a lantern. They stood at the edge of the street, deciding what they should put. “Let’s just put our names on it.” Osamu suggested, but Suna shook his head.

“Nah, that’s like everyone else. Let’s do something else.”

Osamu rolled his eyes. “And what’re ya thinkin of?”

“I don’t know, you choose.” Suna retorted.

Osamu threw his hand up in anger. “That’s what I was tryin to do!!” Suna laughed as he wrapped his arm around Osamu’s shoulder and rested his head against Osamu’s. He watched as Osamu lifted the pen, focusing on what to write, and was tempted again to kiss him right then and there. “There, I’m done, what do ya think?” He squinted at the writing, ‘Our Happy Ending’

He stepped back, his lip trembling. “S-Samu, no, you have to change it-”

“Whoops, I already let go of it.” Osamu interrupted as he lifted it up into the air, before Suna could grab a hold of it. He turned to Suna with a warm grin. “You think our wish will come true?”

 _No, Samu. Because I love you so much, I know you should be with someone much better than me. I’ll never be good enough for you, you just can’t see it yet._ The negative thoughts jabbed at him, but he couldn’t stand to watch Osamu’s smile crumble so he stepped towards him again to press a soft kiss on his cheek. “Who knows?”

“Hey guys!!” Bokuto shouted behind them as he ran over. They both broke apart with a cough as he greeted them and pulled them with him. “Let’s go meet up with Shou and Tsum-tsum!!” 

For once, Suna wasn’t grateful for the distraction, but had no other choice but to go along with it. He teased Shouyou, joked around with the others, and even downed a couple drinks, hoping it would quench his thirst. But every time he caught Osamu’s eye, it stopped working. Finally, the others were getting too tired and drunk to function, and knew it was time to get Osamu back to his room. They left while the others were distracted, and quietly made their way to the palace.

He reached to open Osamu’s door, but was stopped. Osamu grabbed his other hand to turn him around, and they stared at each other for a long moment. His pulse was racing, his face was burning, and he couldn’t look away from Osamu’s lips. It wasn’t even wanting anymore, he _craved_ Osamu’s touch, and couldn’t stop wanting to know if Osamu still tasted like he did years ago. “Rin..” Osamu breathed as he stepped closer, “did I ever tell ya how beautiful you looked tonight?”

He knew he would regret it if he let Osamu in. It was getting to be too much already. They were both drunk, and this would only be marked as a mistake. He didn’t deserve to be touched by Osamu and yet- _Ah screw it…_ His lips crashed down on Osamu’s. It wasn’t soft or sweet or romantic, just plain hunger. He was starved for Osamu’s touch and roughly kissed him, biting at Osamu’s lips, and desperately searched with his tongue to meet Osamu’s. 

Osamu was only frozen for a moment before kissing him back, just as rough and hungry. Their hands roamed over each other’s bodies, and Suna quickly reached for the doorknob before anyone caught them. They stumbled inside the room, their lips still locked in their kiss and kicked the door closed behind them. 

Suna led them over to the bed and pushed Osamu down on it. They grappled with each other’s clothes, trying as fast as they could to get undressed, and Suna heard tearing and ripping but could care less. He couldn’t stand another second without being as close to Osamu as possible. After their clothes were discarded, he moved his lips to make a trail down Osamu’s neck, and Osamu whispered his name as he ran his fingers along Suna’s back making him shiver. “Rin…” Suna sucked on Osamu’s neck harder. “Rin I love you.” 

He could’ve ignored it or just pretended not to hear it. He could have continued kissing him and act like nothing happened, but his mind wasn’t working the way he wanted it to. He moved his lips to Osamu’s ear and interlocked their fingers together as he whispered, “I love you too, Samu.” 

Suna woke up with a start, and sat straight up in horror. He gently removed Osamu’s arm on his waist and sprinted to the bathroom. He turned on the water to the bath and scrubbed at his face, roughly. _What have I done?? How could I let myself do that??! Why did I drink? Why did I kiss him?? Why did I sleep with him?!?!_

_What if he thinks that means we're together now?!? What if he never moves on now?!? How could I screw this up so terribly?!?_

_I'm the fucking worst. I'm so fucking disgusting. I'll never deserve him now. I'm absolute shit. I'll never be good enough. I can't be._

_I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself._

His nails pierced his skin as he clenched his fist, drawing blood. He didn't care, he deserved it. Even welcomed the stinging pain. He was about to rise and sprint out of the room, but remembered Osamu and much more to drink and was probably going to be in plenty of pain. His conviction to help his prince was too great so after washing himself and getting dressed in a new outfit. He prepared a glass of water, medicine, and a wastebasket and waited for him to wake up.

After an hour, Osamu opened his eyes slowly and turned away from the sun coming in from the windows. He heard him groan as he tried to sit up, holding his head in his hands. "Ughh I feel like shit. Rin, what happened??"

Suna had not expected this. He thought for sure that Osamu would remember and pester him about it, but it never crossed his mind that he would've been intoxicated enough to forget. He should rejoice at that, but was instead feeling even crappier. Osamu forgot the words they shared, the places he touched, and their entire first time. 

He turned to the window, blinking away tears. “You being serious or just pretending?”

Osamu threw a furious glare at him, but then it fell as he gagged. “Stop overthinkin and being suspicious and tell me already, damnit!” He rolled over to the edge and began to hurl into the basket next to his bed. 

Suna walked over to make sure none of his hair got in his face, and then wiped his face. He handed him the glass of water and helped him drink from it. “Nothing important,” _liar_ , “we just got a little carried away. Physically, I mean.” 

Osamu choked on the sip he took and widened his eyes. “W-What do ya mean?”

Suna eyed the marks he left on Osamu’s neck and shoulders. “You’ll know when you look in the mirror.” Osamu opened his mouth to ask for more, but Suna stopped. “It’s fine, don’t worry, it didn’t mean anything. We were drunk and stupid. It was a mistake.”

“Rin wait-” Osamu started as he tried to rise from the bed, but stopped as he closed his eyes, holding his pounding head in his hands. 

“Stay in bed until you’re better. I need to go.” 

“Rin wait!!” For once, he was strong enough to say no and slam the door behind him. He did what he did best and raced for the darkness to cry alone. 

  
  
  


He hid from everyone, hoping the next trial would begin soon, and to his luck he stumbled upon the king’s conversation. He immediately jumped out and volunteered to help with it. He was hoping this would be the chance for Osamu to start hating him. If he hid this from Osamu and made him worry about his safety only to find out he volunteered for it and purposely hid it, there’s no way Osamu wouldn’t be upset. 

It was despicable, yes, but he already hated himself enough, so all he had left to do was make Osamu hate him as well. During the trial, he made sure the other knights stuck to it, and didn’t reveal anything. When it was time for them to disappear, he had to force everyone out of the dungeon before they went back on the plan. He waited anxiously for the princes to escape, and when they did, he had to force himself to be strong but when Osamu rushed towards him with tears, a small part of him broke. 

“Rin!!” He held Suna’s face in his hands and checked to see if he was alright. He then ran his hands over Suna’s arms and checked all over his body to see if he was hurt. 

Suna’s face was getting hotter by the minute. “I-I’m fine. P-Prince Osamu-”

“Cut it with the bullshit Rin and call me Samu!!!” Osamu shouted.

Suna’s eyes widened and the guilt took over him as his eyes began to fill with tears. “I’m so sorry, Samu..”

“You better be…” Osamu tried to snap, but seeing his knight begin to weep caused him to break off with a sob. They stood there holding each other’s faces in their hands as they wept. They tried to speak to each other, but were too incomprehensible to understand. 

“L-Let’s get you back to your room to clean up and rest.” Suna suggested, swallowing the lump in his throat. He began to straighten up and pulled Osamu up as well. “Come on, Samu.”

“You’re taking the bath with me, right?” Osamu asked, loud enough for everyone to hear.

Suna’s face burned as he glanced at all of the royals watching them. He smacked Osamu on the back of his head. “W-W-What’re you talking about!?? Of course not!”

“Ow! What was that for?!?” Osamu yelped as he rubbed the back of his head. “We used to take baths together all the time as kids.”

“Are we kids anymore, Samu ?!?” Suna snapped as he shoved Osamu down the hall. 

Osamu stumbled down the hall as he complained. “But Rin!! You owe me! After what you just did, you owe me.”

Suna grimaced. “Yes, I owe you, but anything but this. Anything.”

“But Riiiinnn!!” Osamu wailed, but Suna smacked him again and led them away further down the hall. 

When they were finally in a hall alone, Osamu reached for his hand to lead them to his room. “Come on, at latest help me clean up.”

He open his mouth to agree-

_You don’t deserve him._

_You’ll never be worthy of him._

_You’re the fucking worst._

He snatched his hand out of Osamu’s grip with a sneer. “Do it yourself.”

“Rin, what-” Osamu started with a panic, but Suna dodged his touch. 

“You’re not hurt, right?” Suna snapped, hating the hurt expression on Osamu’s face and knowing he’s the cause of it. “Then you can do it yourself.”

“Rin, what's wrong? Just talk to me-”

“Can’t you see that I don't want to?!?” Suna shouted as he glared at Osamu. He didn’t know what was taking over him, the hatred at himself for being so foolish, the hatred at the king for ripping them apart, or the fury at Osamu for not moving on. “Just leave me alone already.”

“Rin please-”

“No.” _Finally, I can say it._ “No, Your Highness,” he added with a bite, making sure Osamu flinched. “Leave me the fuck alone.” They both stood there for a long tense moment, and Suna was sure he would never be able to fix what he just broke. So making sure to preserve the last part of him that wasn’t broken, he turned around to leave, again embracing the darkness that he knew so well. 

Thankfully with Princess Natsu’s arrival, he could hide away from everyone because all of their attention was on her. When it was time for the ball, he would dress up nicely and act like everything was normal between him and Osamu, but then the minute the group broke apart and Osamu tried to dance with him, he pushed one of the nearby women into his arms and ran away. He knew Osamu was fed up with him on the second night when he kept pushing women towards him, but Suna couldn’t do it anymore. He needed Osamu to give up on him already. 

Soon enough the next trial began and he was able to breathe for a week. He was waiting at the capital for any word from the knights he bribed to give him any information concerning Osamu, and was about to leave until he saw a lone horse racing for him. He instantly mounted his horse to meet with the messenger. He listened intently and when he heard the part about Osamu passing out, he threw all caution to the wind as he kicked at his horse to meet them. 

He forgot all about his rule to keep his distance and stay away as he threw open the curtain and ordered everyone out. He slowly walked to sit by Osamu's side with a glare. "Samu, stop fucking with me and open your eyes."

Osamu sheepishly opened his eyes with a forced laugh. "Look Rin, I'm fine. There's nothing wrong-"

"Nothing wrong?!?!" Suna shouted as he choked on a sob. "Samu you stupid, stupid, stupid…" he tried to insult, but the sobs took over. So many emotions he'd been pushing down erupted as he cried. 

"Rin.." Osamu breathed as he held out a hand, and without hesitation Suna held it to his chest. "You're being so unfair right now."

Suna kissed Osamu's hand and then moved to kiss his forehead. "I know." They stayed like that until they arrived and tried to lift Osamu out of the wagon. "Rin! Come on, I promise that I can walk."

Suna jumped out of the wagon and stood in front, blocking the exit. "I don't want to take any chances. I will carry you."

"Rin! No you-" Before he could finish, Suna reached back in, and promptly lifted Osamu in his arms.

Osamu flushed a deep red from being carried bridal style. He turned to see the others princes also covering their mouths so as not to laugh. "Put me down, Rin! There is no way you can carry me, I'm bigger than you-"

"Well I actually am taller than you, so I think you're wrong there." Suna interjected with a devilish smirk.

Osamu scowled. "Well I actually fought in the war, so I got a lot bigger from it. Now who's wro-" He cut off as he realized what he just said. He gazed up at Suna in horror, "Wait Rin I-"

Suna set Osamu down on the ground as gently as he could. He then bowed low to the ground as he answered in a voice void of all emotion. "I apologize, Your Highness, for overstepping. It will not happen again." With that, he rose from the ground and stalked off. He shouldn’t be so worked up about it. He deserved it because not only was Osamu right, but because if anyone reminded him of the fact, it was himself. 

Osamu tried to reach out to him with a shout, "Wait, Rin I didn't mean-" until he was pulled back by Atsumu. "Oi, Tsumu, this ain't the time for this!!" 

Suna didn’t listen to anymore of it as he strode for the palace, waiting until later that night to visit him. He expected Shouyou to be there, and waited until he was taken away by Bokuto to enter the room. He stood by Osamu’s bed for a long moment before lying down next to him so he could watch him sleep. Although Osamu liked to deny it, he often suffered through horrible nightmares, and Suna was the only one to hold him while he screamed and cried through the night. Osamu was in a delusional state so he never remembered that it was Suna, and he preferred it that way. _It doesn’t matter if you can’t remember because I always will. I’ll remember everything even when I’m old and gray and you’re married with grandchildren. I could never forget a moment with you._ Of course he would never say this to him, and he'd had to leave like he'd never been there at all, but just for that moment, he shoved the negative thoughts away and let himself smile lovingly at his prince.

He and Osamu were watching Shouyou plead to the king and queen from the back room with the door cracked. He was relieved that he arrived, and had complete faith in him to correct the misunderstanding. However, he felt a pang of jealousy. He wished he could have what they did. Without a second thought he would give up everything for Osamu, but he didn’t have the right to. Not only did he know that, but Osamu’s parents and people did too. 

Although they were kind and respected him, he would always be branded as the trash Osamu found off of the street. He never cared what others thought, hell, he even agrees with them. But he knew even at the off chance he could make it up to Osamu, he would never be allowed to be with Osamu. And he knew that Osamu couldn’t give up the kingdom now, not when Atsumu was. _So much for our happy ending huh?_

Osamu pulled him with him as they barged in on the conversation and they did their usual teasing until the queen interrupted. “Excuse me! We’re still right here. And Osamu, what's this about you and Suna?? Tell me it isn’t true. Since Atsumu has failed at giving me a grandchild, I’m depending on you.”

“I don’t know mother.” He answered as he smiled at Suna softly. “I wouldn’t get yer hopes up.” 

Suna rolled his eyes, pretending not to notice how fast his heart was beating or how hot his face was. As soon as Queen Miya passed out, he knew it was time to leave and made his way down the back hallway, and of course Osamu followed after.

He grabbed onto Suna’s shoulder and pulled him around with a serious look on his face. “Rin, we need to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry but I'm a sucker for Suna with eyeliner so I had to make it a part of my story xD
> 
> I know I'm giving y'all such awful whiplash from their moments, but I'm trying my best to show that although Suna wants Samu, he's convinced himself he can't. Luckily, there's only one other chapter, and well, we'll see if they'll finally get that happy ending ;p
> 
> Thank you so much for reading it and leaving such sweet comments! It's definitely been helping me, it's been a shitty week and I hope all of y'all are doing well though <3 <3


	3. Future

They were both sitting on top of Osamu’s bed, facing each other. Osamu hadn’t taken no for an answer and dragged Suna along with him. They had been sitting there for a long silent moment before Osamu cleared his throat. “Rin, about what my mother asked I-,” he blinked away for a moment, his cheeks reddening, “I was this close to telling her right then and there, but I remembered I needed to tell ya first.”

“Tell me what?” Suna asked as he panicked. His pulse was quickening and he could barely get any air in his lungs. He knew exactly what Osamu was going to say and had no idea how to stop him.

Osamu narrowed his eyes at him, unconvinced. “Like ya don’t already know already.” He slowly reached out to pull Suna’s hand into his lap and began to trace it. “I was gonna tell her that it was true about us.” He stared up at Suna, unflinching. “That I loved you and that yer the only one for me. That she better get ready for the disappointment now because nothin will change my mind.”

The air was sucked right out of his lungs. Yes, he had already heard this before, but it wasn’t sincere because Osamu was drunk. But now that they were fully sober and awake, hearing it still knocked the wind out of him. “S-Samu you can’t mean that-”

“Rin, nothin yer gonna say will change my mind.” Osamu interrupted, firmly. “You can’t convince me that I’m wrong or I don’t mean it or I don’t know what I’m talking about because I do. I’ve always known that I love you and have been in love with you for I don’t even know how long. One day you were just a friend I found and the next you were the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.”

_ Stop, please stop. This is too much, too fast-  _ “Osamu just wait a minute-”

“No Rin!” Osamu protested as he pulled Suna’s hand to feel his rapidly beating heart. “I’ve waited so long to tell you this. I can’t wait anymore. I love you Suna Rintarou and I’m never going to feel the same about anyone else. I never have. It’s always been you, Rin.”

Suna turned away to blink away the tears threatening to leak from the corner of his eyes. “You could have literally anyone else in the world-”

“But I don’t want to have anyone else!” Osamu cried as he turned Suna’s face back to himself. His fingers lingered on Suna’s cheek. “I don’t want to  _ have _ you, because although I’ve always said that you’re mine, really all this time I’ve been yours.” His voice cracked as a single tear ran down his face. “You’ve always had me, Rin, and you always will. I’ve tried to be whatever you needed, even when you didn’t want me, because you’ve had me since the moment we met, and I haven’t regretted it for a second. I don’t want to be anyone else’s.”

Suna swallowed down the lump in his throat before leaning into Osamu’s hand and staring back at him. “And I don’t want you to be.”  _ What am I saying?? Why am I not rejecting him?  _ He turned to brush his lips against Osamu’s fingers. “You will always be my prince and the only one I’ll ever love.”

“Then stop pushing me away. Stop trying to make me hate you cause it isn’t going to work. Because as you can see, nothing you do will ever make me change the way I feel about you. I love you.” Without a second thought, he pressed his lips against Suna’s forcefully, and they both stared at each other with wide eyes. “I love you.” This time when he kissed, it was softer but even more passionate. “I love you.” He started moving Suna down on the bed. “I love you.” He pulled back to stare down at Suna with such unconditional love, it shot through him like an arrow, leaving nothing but pain behind. 

“Samu I-”

_ You don’t deserve him. _

_ You’ll never be worthy of him. _

_ You’re the fucking worst.  _

He instantly jerked upright and shoved Osamu off of him. “I can’t. I can’t do this.” He tried to cover his ears, hoping it would block out the destructive thoughts in his head, but it didn’t work. “You can’t look at me like that-”

“Like what?” Osamu asked, panicked as he tried to reach for Suna again, but he flinched away.

Again, he was trying to help Osamu, but all he was doing was hurting him. “Like I deserve your love, but I don’t. I deserve any of it. I don’t deserve anything-”

Osamu quickly grabbed his face so they could stare at each other, tears both flowing out of their eyes. “Rin!! What’re you talkin about? Of course you deserve it-”

“No I don’t!!” Suna shouted as he tried to push Osamu away, but he wouldn’t budge. He continued to shove at him roughly as tears blurred his vision. “I’ll never be worthy of your love. I’ll never be good enough for you so please stop!! Stop pushing it! You deserve so much better, you just don’t believe it! Please Samu-”

“How can you say that about yourself?!? Why can’t you see how-”

“I don’t want to hear it!!” Suna shouted, refusing to hear Osamu give him any sense of praise. He couldn’t stand to hear it.

Osamu caught his hands and forced him to stop. “Why, Rin, why?!?”

“Because I fucking hate myself!!!” Suna cried with the last of his strength before dropping his head to Osamu’s chest with a long sigh. “I hate myself Samu, and you should too.”

He could feel Osamu still and watched from the corner of his eye as he lifted and then dropped his hand in defeat. “Rin..”

“You saved me from living a hopeless life on the streets. You saved me from my loneliness. And you saved me from my future of dying alone in a gutter. But then the one time- the one time I could’ve saved you, and I just stood there.” He sat up straight again, his voice kept cracking with emotion. “I let the prince I swore my life to protect be taken out to the battlefield without me. I let you go through countless hardships, tragedies, and injuries  _ alone _ . I should have been there to save you. I should have gone instead of you. And instead I was terrified by some threat and stuck in this fucking prison!! I should have given up my position as your knight long ago-”

“Rin, yer wrong. You deserve to be my knight-” Osamu tried to retort, but Suna cut him off one more time.

“I escaped one night and saw you.” Osamu’s eyes widened, but he remained silent. “It took me too long to finally find an exit and escape to see you. And then to top it off I got caught by Captain Kita.” Osamu’s face flickered with worry. “But I pleaded with him, and he let me see you. I thought the moment I would, I’d run to save you like you’ve done for me, but then you were with them and you were so- so  _ happy _ . All that time I was miserable and consumed with guilt, there you were laughing with the soldiers like close friends.” He tightened his fingers into fists as he could still feel that terrifying jealousy from all those years ago. “I was so jealous it felt like I was dying.” Osamu inched just a bit closer, face now full of concern and pain. “How could these strangers be talking to the prince,  _ my  _ prince, like it was nothing? How dare they be the ones making him laugh??” 

Suna turned to stare out at the window, hating how bright and sunny it was outside. “But then it dawned on me that how dare I even think that? You deserve to be happy with the people that fought with you. With the people that were by your side and protected you. I wasn’t one of those people, I’m still not.” He glanced back at Osamu with sincerity. “Because I’m not and never will be, I don’t deserve to be by you. I don't deserve to be protected by you, or be talked to, to even be looked at much less loved. I’m so fucking disgusting and all I’ve been trying to do is make you see that. That I really am the trash people call me that you found off the streets.”

Osamu shook his head, frantically. “Rin, you are not-”

“See I never cared what people thought about me, or what they had to say.” Suna continued, ignoring Osamu’s attempt at correcting him. “When they said shit about me, I could’ve cared less. Unless they said something against you, it didn’t matter. I have heard every kind of indult and accusation, and never gave it a second mind. But the moment I saw you with the people that were worthy enough to protect you, I finally understood what they meant, and I still believe it. Samu,” he finished softly, “all I want is for you to find someone perfect for you. Someone to always make you happy and be able to protect you no matter what happens. I can never be that person when all I’ve done is bring you pain. Samu, I will continuously be unworthy of your love-”

“RIN!!” Osamu shouted, not being able to stand to hear another word. “Listen to me damnit!!” Suna widened his eyes and wisely kept his mouth closed. “I’ve been tryin to tell ya this: you’ve got it wrong.” Suna tilted his head in confusion as Osamu sighed. He pulled at his hair roughly before straightening his back. “Rin, my father didn’t take me as a hostage. In fact, he wasn’t even planning on takin me to the war at all. He wanted to take you.”

Suna felt like the floor had been swept from under him as he went cold all over. “What..?” he gasped out weakly. He couldn’t believe this, this couldn’t be true-

Osamu’s face contorted in pain as he watched Suna fall apart. “I- I accidentally stumbled in on a meeting my father had with the other knights, and he was telling them he was going to take you along with him because he needed more soldiers and recognized yer talents. He asked for their opinion and they agreed, but before he left the room, I jumped out to volunteer instead.”

The coldness had turned into ice, biting at every portion of his skin. “Samu, you didn’t..”

“Rin, I’m sorry, but I couldn’t let ya be taken.” Osamu cried as desperation seeped into his voice. “The thought of you going on the battlefield alone, without anyone with ya, without  _ me _ with ya, was unbearable.” He tried to grab Suna’s hand, and he let him take it, too numb to register what was going on. “I know that there are still some things ya can’t and won’t tell me about. Things ya went through that left scars.” He was right. There were still plenty of things from his childhood he couldn’t bring himself to speak about, and some things Osamu just didn’t need to know. “So I never pushed ya or made ya talk about them. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t know those scars were there.” He stared down at Suna’s palm as if he could see them. “It took so many years for you to crawl out of the darkness and let everyone in. That’s why that day you were made my knight, I couldn’t hold back from kissing you anymore. I was just so happy.” 

His voice cracked with a sob. “I couldn’t stand the thought of you going through the trauma and brutality of war. Of having to take someone’s life- I wanted ya to keep smilin, to keep you in the brightness of life, but-” his sob came in full force, “but in the end, you were still taken by the darkness anyway.” As Osamu clung to Suna’s shirt as he sobbed, Suna didn’t know what else to do. It was too much, this was all too much. 

Osamu lifted his tear stained face, and somehow managed to keep that love, the love he reserved for Suna, in his eyes. “I never wanted to be separated with you, but the thought of you ever getting hurt much less k-killed-” he sighed, “I couldn’t even imagine it. So it took me days to convince my father, but he finally relented. He never said anything about being a hostage or threatening to let me die on the front lines, hell, half the time I was at war, he kept me hidden in the tents.” He let out a bitter laugh. “Until the end. Until he was running out of soldiers, and he had no other choice but to use me. I-” He shuddered with a sob as his eyes clouded over with what Suna could only guess was horror. “I killed people, Rin. See ya train for battle like it’s nothing, like yer not about to take someone’s life away. Take someone’s dad or sibling or child away. Like ya won’t be haunted by their faces every night until you die. It didn’t hit me until it happened.”

He wiped his hands as if they were full of blood from the battlefield. Suna hurriedly grabbed them and held them in his, as his heart cracked. “I-I can never forget those faces. I couldn’t believe I did something so horrifying. I would puke my guts out every night as I cried myself to sleep, only to be woken back up by nightmares and start throwing up again.” He blinked away the horrible images plaguing his mind. “The only thing that ever got me threw it was that I’d see you again.” Suna’s heart cracked in half,  _ I can’t take this anymore. _ “That if anyone would accept me and understand me, it would be you.”  _ Oh Samu I-  _ “I told myself that every night to make myself fall asleep, so- so the day I saw you again. I cried, I was so overjoyed. It was you, my knight, the one who would always welcome me with open arms. And yet- yet when I did hold out my arms to you-” he swallowed the rising sob in his throat, and Suna felt like his heart finally, completely broke. “you walked away.”

Suna pulled him into his embrace.  _ This is why I hate myself. I’m such an idiot. I’m such an idiot.  _ “I-I was so worried you thought I was a murderer and couldn’t stand the sight of me. I tried everything, but you pushed me away. I really did consider letting you go, but then I decided to see you one last time.” Osamu squeezed Suna back, his voice much stronger now. “You let me sit there during yer shift and when I peeked a glance at you, I saw no sign of disgust or hatred at me. You don’t know how much I wanted to cry then, I was so relieved.” He squeezed Suna just a bit tighter before brushing his lips against Suna’s neck. “It was only on the rare occasion that we walked past a mirror and you saw yourself that I knew whatever you were feeling was directed towards yourself.”

"Why didn't you tell me? Why haven't you told Atsumu?? Do you know how broken he was after you left? How much he fought with the king?!?" Suna questioned angrily. 

Osamu nodded, defeated. "Of course I know, and I do plan on telling him, but I wanted you to know first. Though honestly at first I didn't want to, I knew you would blame yourself and overthink it. You would get so worked up about it that it would hurt you more than ever help."  He straightened up to stare up at him. “And yet I still caused that and I caused this. I caused you to hate yourself because I didn’t let you go so you could fulfill your wish to protect me.”

“Samu-”

“But I couldn’t let you go because I wanted to protect you. How is it that everything we’ve done for each other, what we thought was the best for each other, would make each other happy, would make us so miserable?” 

Suna’s forehead fell on Osamu’s with a loud cry, “Why us?!? Why?!?” Osamu shrugged, but his face was also wet with tears. He didn’t know, neither of them did. Why after everything they sacrificed for the others’ happiness just turned around to hurt them in the end? Why out of everyone, they had to be the ones to endure such suffering? Why couldn’t they have a happy future like everyone else was working towards?  _ Why us?  _

They sat there sobbing in each other's arms for a long time until Osamu pushed back as he straightened with confidence. “Yes, our lives have been fucked up. Yes, we might not have a perfect story like everyone else, but I don’t want to keep letting these fucked up things continue to ruin our lives. I don’t want the past to keep a hold of us forever. I want to move on. I want to start anew, and I want to do it with you. I don’t care if it takes us the rest of our lives to fix it because I want to spend the rest of mine with you.”

Suna froze on the spot. “S-Samu you can’t mean-”

“Yes, I do.” He slowly pulled a small box out of his pocket and opened it to see a beautiful, simple gold ring. “Rin, I want to marry ya.” He pulled Suna’s hand to his face to kiss it as he stared at Suna with that overwhelming love. “It doesn’t matter that ya don’t love yourself because I’ll love you enough for the both of us. I’ll tell ya every day why I love ya and why yer so special, so maybe one day you’ll be able to see it and love yourself too. And even if you can’t, I’ll still love you regardless. I’m yers Rin, so please grant me the honor of being mine.”

Suna wanted nothing more than to say yes. To get married to Osamu that instant, but after everything they just said, everything he found out, it was too much at once. “Samu, it’s too much. I need time to think through everything, this is too fast.”

Osamu nodded in understanding like he expected the answer. “I know, I picked the shittiest time, but I couldn’t wait.” He pulled a long, gold chain out of his other pocket and slipped the ring on it. “You don’t have to answer me right now. You don’t have to answer me by the end of the week or month or anything. I’ll wait for whenever yer ready. If it’s in five years, I’ll be happy. If it’s in ten, I’ll still be so happy. Hell, if you waited until it was the last day of my life, just being married to you for a day would be enough.” He handed the necklace to Suna with a bright, hopeful smile. “You don’t have to wear it on yer finger, you can wear it around yer neck and hide it if ya want. And if it gets to be too much or too heavy then take it off. I would understand. I would never force ya or push ya too far.”

So many words were caught up in Suna’s throat. Too many things he needed to tell him and about how he felt, but as always in their relationship, they didn’t need that many words. They didn’t need long speeches to declare their love. Just a simple smile or touch was all they needed to convey. So when he smiled back at Osamu with just as much love, clasped the necklace around his neck, and lowered his mouth to kiss him, he knew Osamu understood.

Osamu pushed him back onto the bed with a sheepish smile. “This time, let me love you.”

“Y-You remembered??” Suna asked, now unsure if Osamu was ever really drunk that night.

Osamu nodded as he leaned down to kiss Suna’s cheek. “Of course not at first. I actually was drunk enough to not remember everything at first, but eventually I did. Rin, don’t you ever run away like that again, okay? Stay. With me.” When his lips started moving lower and his fingers fiddled with Suna’s buttons, not a single one of the words he thought of earlier ever included the word, no. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Over the next several months, they took their time and let themselves heal. Osamu was working hard towards becoming the king after Atsumu left, and Suna was working towards earning the position as being his captain of the guard. They spent more time with their people, and made sure to keep in contact with their allies. They frequently visited each kingdom, and spared time to help rebuild the city Atsumu and Shouyou wanted to live in. 

Although they were often preoccupied and busy, they made up for lost time at night as they laid in bed together, wrapped in each other’s embrace. Osamu never brought up the topic of marriage again, and Suna was grateful because he wasn’t ready to answer. However, that never got Osamu down because just seeing Suna put it on every day made him brighten with joy and he made sure Suna never took it off when they were tumbling around together in bed. 

Osamu kept his promise. Every morning when they woke up, he would hold Suna in his arms and tell him reasons why he loved him. He would tell him all the things he admired about him or liked about him. Suna at first would roll his eyes or not try to listen, but eventually started to take it seriously. He genuinely listened and even asked more about it. He started talking with others and didn’t look at himself with such hatred in the mirror anymore. He certainly wasn’t close to loving himself anytime, but he was working through it. They both were working through things.

And Suna loved it. He enjoyed growing and healing together, and didn’t mind staying in that state. At least until it was the celebration of the law change. The other kingdoms had changed it so quickly that Osamu asked Suna about it and he gave him his full support. Finally, after every other kingdom had changed theirs Inarizaki did. Suna knew that subconsciously Osamu was waiting for his answer, but he still wasn’t ready to give it. 

Suna dreaded going to the party that night because he knew exactly what would happen. Everyone would expect that just like the other ones, they would have a proposal or announce their marriage. As they walked together to the ballroom, he watched Osamu’s shoulders continue to tense up, and knew he expected the same. They agreed to be separated, hoping people would get the hint and not pester them. But of course, it didn’t work. Everyone’s eyes were on them. People constantly rushed to Osamu in hushed voices, but Suna could easily guess what they were saying. Thankfully, no one was courageous enough to bother him when he stood in the dark corner in all black with a permanent scowl on his face. 

The only one to brave it was Shouyou, and although he appreciated their friendship, he didn’t want to deal with the questions right now. “Hi Suna! Congratulations on the law change.” Suna nodded wordlessly. “I’m sure you already know what I’m going to ask so, why aren’t you two married? Or at least engaged?”

Suna squeezed his cup tight as he grimaced. “It’s complicated, Shouyou, okay?”

Shouyou blinked at his tone and nodded. But he continued to stand next to Suna for a couple, quiet minutes as they watched the party. “Can I at least say this?” Suna shrugged. “I don’t believe in anything about deserving someone or not, but I do know this. Instead of focusing on what is wrong and the pain you caused, focus on making it up to them. How you can make them happy from now on. To make sure their future will have everything they want. That’s what I think is most important after all.” Suna was too dumbfounded to respond as Shouyou beamed up at him with a wave. “Okay, that’s all for tonight. I’ll see you later, Suna!” 

Suna waved back at him as he stared at Osamu.  _ How I can make him happy, huh? _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


During the following months, those words continued to ring through his ears. Any time Osamu was stressed and he felt like he was so worthless cause he couldn’t help, he heard those words, and started to find ways to make him happy. When Osamu doubted himself, Suna heard those words and found his own to say to make him happier. He worked hard to focus on that, and didn’t even notice how much better he was feeling until the day of Atsumu and Shouyou’s wedding.

When he was getting dressed and put on the necklace in front of the mirror, he felt light. He felt lighter than he had in such a long, long time. He ran his hands over the ring as a thought struck him,  _ I want to wear it on my finger.  _ He widened his eyes at himself, surprised at his own thoughts. This time, when he imagined getting married, none of the usual guilt and anxiety rose up within him. Instead, only excitement was being felt.  _ I want to marry Samu.  _ A small tear ran down his face as he laughed.  _ I want to marry Samu.  _

Knowing it wasn’t the right time to tell Osamu, he wiped his cheek and finished getting dressed. For the rest of the day, he kept it to himself, but it didn’t go unnoticed by Osamu. He didn't push it though, mainly concerned about the wedding that evening. 

As they boarded the carriage and had been riding for over an hour, Osamu sighed as he leaned his head on Suna’s shoulder. “I hate that Tsumu’s the first one getting married. Though we’ve been together longer so I think we still win.”

Suna rolled his eyes as he played with Osamu’s hair. He never understood the sibling rivalry they both had. “Yeah I’m sure that counts.”

“I can’t wait until we get married.” Osamu mumbled into Suna’s neck.

Suna laid his head on top of Osamu’s. “Yeah me too.”

Osamu froze. 

Suna froze. 

“Wait, what?” Osamu shot up in his seat and stared at Suna incredulously. “Do you- are you- do-”

Suna chuckled as he kissed Osamu’s forehead. “Yes, I want to marry you.” Osamu’s eyes still held a glint of disbelief. “ _ Yes _ , Samu, I want to be your husband.”

Osamu was still for a long moment before standing up to shout at the coachmen. “Hey!! Stop the carriage, we’re turning back around!!”

Suna jumped up to pull him back down. “Samu, what are you doing-”

“One of you go on ahead by horse and let Tsumu know I won’t be able to make it. Urgent business came up.” One of the men immediately mounted the horses and set off with a quick note that Osamu scribbled down. The other coachman quickly snapped the reins and headed back to the castle, much faster than before. 

Osamu plopped down beside Suna with a bright smile. “There we go-”

“Samu, what are you doing?!?” Suna demanded.

Osamu chuckled at his confusion and kissed his cheek. “We’re going back to get married.”

Suna pushed him back in disbelief. “Why?!? No, we’re not. We have to get to Atsumu and Shouyou’s wedding, we can’t miss that. We have plenty of time to get married-”

“Yer finally ready to marry me and you think I can wait?” Osamu cut in, softly, as his expression turned into one of wonder. “I’ve been waiting for this much longer than you think, so you think I can wait another day? No, Rin, we’re getting married. Now.”

Suna’s face burned as the words warmed his heart. “S-Samu, but what about Atsumu? It’s his  _ wedding _ , you really want to miss that?”

Osamu shook his head as guilt flickered through his eyes. “Of course not.”

“And do you want him to miss ours?” Suna asked, hoping Osamu would see sense. 

Osamu waved his question away. “It’s fine, we’ll do ours again. We’re gettin married in private tonight. Just gotta make sure the minister doesn’t say anything.”

“Samu-”

“Rin.” Osamu interrupted as he held Suna’s face. “Do you not want to do this? Because if you don’t we’ll turn right back around.”

Suna sighed. “I hate that I’m so powerless against you.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


After the much shorter ride back, Osamu sprinted off to find the minister and told Suna to go to their old room and look in the wardrobe. As Suna pulled out the wedding outfits, he let out laugh.  _ Of course Samu would already have everything ready.  _

He waited for Osamu to come back with the minister before they both got dressed separately and met the minister on the top floor of the palace where an open room they used to hold church services was. Most of the furniture was removed so now it was bare wooden flooring and walls except for the spot where the minister was standing. There were red candles, pillows, and blankets in front and around where he stood.  _ How did he have time to make all of this happen? _

He turned to stare at the man he was about to marry and felt his chest tighten at the love he felt for him. Osamu held out his hand and they walked until they stood right before the minster and lower to their knees. After bowing to him and to each other, Osamu lifted Suna’s over both of them. 

Suna expected them both to wear the traditional black and white montsuki haori hakama, but Osamu rejected it, saying it was too much like everyone else and wanted theirs to be different. Instead they were wearing a bright maroon, like their kingdom’s colors, silk yukatas that had many golden designs outlining the outfits. They were very thin and could easily see through them, making Suna consider how Osamu would ever get away with such a thing if they wore this at their official wedding. The long maroon veil was over both of them, and Osamu grinned at Suna slyly as his eyes raked over Suna, making him blush. He never knew Osamu could look so handsome in this color, and was sure he could never look better in any other.

“So now, the vows, would you like to recite them or have your own?” The minister asked them quietly.

Osamu opened his mouth, but Suna quickly cut him off. “I have my own.” He inched closer to Osamu with a shy smile. “Samu, I’ve made such a mess of things between us. I hurt you time and time again, wanting you to hate me so that you could move on to someone better.” His smile widened, but the tears were already threatening to come out. “But no matter what, you still loved me. And although I still think I don’t deserve you, I’m going to work every day in hopes that one day I might. That one day I can be worthy of the love you have for me. That one day I can make you as happy as you’ve made me. Because you deserve nothing short of the world, Samu. So I vow to spend the rest of my life giving you everything you need, protection, support, a smile, whatever. And even when I’m dead and buried, I’ll get reborn and find you again, and I don’t know how many lifetimes I’ll have to go through to love you as much as you have loved me, but I’ll do it. I will live every single life of mine giving you the love you deserve.”

Osamu leaned close to kiss him, but remembered to hold back until he froze right in front of Suna’s face as he choked on a sob. “Rin, when I get reborn, I’ll find ya and show ya that you don’t have to. The love you’ve already given me is more than enough. The past is over and done with, and all I care about is our future together. I vow to make sure our wish of having our own happy ending will come true.” 

This time Osamu did lean in to kiss Suna and they only broke apart to place a ring on each other’s fingers before kissing again. After the minister's final words, he left the room quietly, leaving them alone. They laid back down onto the pillows, murmuring the love they felt for each other in between kisses. Their kisses were growing more passionate and as Suna stared up at his husband, he hoped the love that was shining on his face was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's done!!! Sunaosa have such a special place in my heart and I'm not sure if you can tell through my writing, but I'm sure I conveyed that and made sure to make their story extra special. I'm obsessed with traditional Chinese weddings so that's why I made theirs similar to it xD
> 
> So yes, long ago, I wanted the king to make Atsumu think his twin was a hostage, but actually wanted it as plot device for sunaosa, that Suna was actually supposed to go. I tried to hint at that the stories didn't match up in Take my Crown, not sure if it was noticed though xD
> 
> Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!! I'm so thankful for all the sweet comments and kudos!! Hope you'll enjoy my other works <3 <3 <3

**Author's Note:**

> Come check out my [ twitter ](https://twitter.com/xxserenity_) for fanart or news about new works, or just to scream at me for updates!


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